Somebody emailed this to me. I don't know where it first appeared. It is pretty long. I didn't get some of the references to French people, places, and things. It is pretty funny though, and like the best satire, there is truth contained within the guffaws.
by Laurent Murawiec
AFP (the French semi-official news agency): A press agency in charge of the Palestinian Authority's external propaganda. (See also Reuters).
Al-Andalus: A terrestrial paradise; irrefutable proof that Islamic imperialism is a blessing for all, and that everyone adores it. Never mention pogroms committed by the Almohads and others against Jews and Christians, or the constitutive inferiority in which they were plunged.
Ambulance: A van covered with insignia of the Red Crescent. Its principal functions are: (1) the transport of terrorists to the site of an attack, (2) the transport of weapons, (3) televised exhibition (see: CNN, BBC, France 2, etc.) if struck by a projectile [or if you can make believe it was struck by such projectile], and (4), if necessary, the transport of wounded (get false ones if there are no real ones at hand and arrive at the hospital in a real light and sound show, after having tipped the above-mentioned media). Never forget, more generally, the staging of Palestinian suffering.
Amnesty International: A Palestinian kills a Jew: what reasons did the Jew give the Palestinian to justify the latter's act? Cf. Amnesty International report No 943/b/5, "43 good reasons"!
Arab: A victim incarnate of imperialism, colonialism and exploitation (see also: Bank accounts in Switzerland).
Arab army: A military body with varied functions: (1) to get crushed by the opposing armies, (2) to massacre the civilian population of its own country, (3) to absorb such a level of the GNP that nothing is left for the rest of the needs, except for the kleptocrats in power.
Arab policy (of France): A weak-willed reconstitution of a dissolved empire; post-dated disavowal of the battle of Poitiers; launched for General de Gaulle by the Nazi Jacques Benoist-MÃ©chin; the art of having the French taxpayer foot the bill for never repaid loans to certain countries, with the aim of getting them to support the supposedly preeminent role of France in the world, while giving them weapons they are incapable of using. See also: Financing of French political parties. Finally, see: Jacques Chirac (financing of the election campaigns of).
Arab Press: Is to Arab policy what sewers are to cesspools.
Arab street: In English, rent-a-crowd. An idle urban population, always ready to gather; the appropriate police services then hand out the slogans of the day (Israel, the United States). By miracle, BBC and CNN are always on the spot where the spontaneous demonstrations are to take place (do not forget the posters in English, please).
Arab Summit: A group of paunchy, bearded individuals who shout a lot without worrying about content, provided that at the end Israel is condemned, along with the United States. They embrace from time to time without worrying about the epidemiological consequences.
Arab unity: A fetish trotted out at any opportunity while cutting each other's throat; do not forget the rattle!
Arafat (Yasser): A circus character with remarkable talents as a ventriloquist, illusionist and conjurer. A killer without scruples. A great talent for acting as flypaper on which useful idiots got stuck.
Assassination: (1) An objectionable Israeli act; (2) An unsuitable name given by the Jewish-dominated press to the elimination of a Zionist slaughterer.
Assistance (Arab): By adding the Arab official announcements during Arab and Islamic summits, you obtain a total assistance granted the Palestinians since 1948 adding up to $794 billion.
Auschwitz: "The Germans will never forgive the Jews for Auschwitz" said psychiatrist Zvi Rex. In the same way, the French elites will never forgive the Jews for Vichy.
Barre (Raymond): An innocent Frenchman [a reference to his statement that the 1980 attack on a synagogue in Paris had also killed some innocent French people. Translator's note]. A civil servant for whom the defense of the civil service party always trumps any other consideration.
Baby: A future Zionist. A legitimate target.
BBC: "But obviously, you cannot seriously contend that Israel does not act like a Nazi state...?" An objective question posed by a balanced BBC presenter during a courteous televised debate.
Be-Tselem: An organization devoted to turning someone else's other cheek.
Blonde: For a woman, the favorite hair color of jihadi candidates for murder, for Allah's hour of gratitude.
Böle-Richard (Michel): An incurable victim of eye problems: a witness of a crime where he categorically identifies the assassin as the victim. Has the optic nerve so damaged that he was hired as photographer by Le Monde, but could just as well suit Reuters Agency (see above).
Bomb: An anxious expression of vexation and various frustrations.
Bousquet (Rene): A methodical Jew killer, but he did not have anything against them.
Budget: What for? Are you kidding? Are we in Ramallah (Gaza) here?
Camp (Palestinian): Everywhere else, a "refugee camp" is a town made of fabric, composed of tents and erected on mud or dust. A "camp" of Palestinian "refugees" is not a camp, does not have tents and does not shelter refugees: it is a solid city, with streets, tall buildings, etc. It shelters Palestinians forced to be "parked" by their "Arab brothers" and swindled by Palestinian "leaders". Mention only their pathetic victimhood. Cameraman, please, do not take too many shots of these buildings -- it should look shantytown-style.
Capitulations: Beginning in the 16th century: immunities and privileges conceded to France, then to other "Frankish" nations by the Sultan of Istanbul from his domains (in the plural). More recently, the normal state of European-Arab relations (in the singular).
Caricatures: see Riots.
Chabot (Arlette): A TV personality (France 2); like the Army Chief of Staff of the Dreyfus Affair, is in possession of all the necessary evidence but will not show any of it, which obviously contributes to establishing her credibility (reference: Mohammed Al-Dura).
Children: Future suicides, if "Palestinian."
Chirac (Jacques): A patient victim of a shameful disease (galloping Arabophilia with Islamophile louses); has just lost his immunity. A former propagator of odors [allusion to his 1991 allusion to the noise and smells emanating from the apartments of migrants. Translator's note] who has himself become odoriferous. A transformer of the proverb: "money has no odor."
Dhimmi: A status passionately coveted by Christians, Jews, Zoroastrians and other Sabians in lands conquered by Islam. Includes systematic humiliation, many prohibitions, interdictions and inferiorities. It is necessary to be non-Moslem to adore this status ("They are insane, these Rumis..." ["foreigners". Translator's note]).
Diplomat: A preparer of Middle-Eastern dishes for which all the recipes start with: "Throw: Israel in boiling water" (Var.: "in the oven")
Door (finger in the): An instrument of the Jewish plot -- it is the place where the plotter wanted to introduce the Palestinian finger, to hurt him.
Enderlin (Charles): A screenplay writer and producer of fiction. Able to transform the living into the dead; to reveal scars and make them disappear; to prevent bullet wounds from bleeding. A journalist of flawless objectivity. The professional model of Jacques Chirac and of French journalists. Possesses invisible but nevertheless overwhelming rushes he will show in 2019, the day after hell freezes over, owing to a clause agreed on with the actors, Misters Al-Dura father and son. [See the numerous articles published by The Mena in English. Translator's note]
Fatah: A moderate organization whose creed (Al-Aqsa Martyrs' Brigades) is to kill a lot of Jews. Note the radical difference with the Hamas, whose objective is to kill a lot of Jews.
Finkielkraut (Alain): At fault. Make him shut up.
Frustration (often followed by "and anger"): An infantilizing condition attributed to Palestinian by victimologists. Elsewhere, human beings act on a political basis; they make more or less rational choices. In the territories, primitive emotions are supposed to determine everything.
Garaudy (Robert): A specialist of the great split: nothing anti-Semitic is foreign to him.
Gaza: Has the "highest demographic density in the world." An inept but frequent journalistic stereotype. Official figures: Gaza, 3,823 inhabitants per square kilometer, Paris, 11th district: 41,053 inhabitants/km2, Kowloon (Hong Kong): 1.9 millions/km2.
Genet (Jean): The shortest distance from the SS to the Palestinian: treading water.
Hamas: A charitable organization; provider of social services for the Palestinians; conduit for Rage and Frustration. A sworn partisan of the extermination of Jews and of Israel. A fact not to be treated as anything else than a quite comprehensible rhetorical exaggeration on the part of the Victims.
Hitler: Did not go far enough. But what he did, darn! An object of boundless admiration in the Arab-Moslem world, which is not anti-Semitic "since the Arabs are Semites". Let's shoot another round!
Holocaust: Never happened. Did happen but less than the Jews contend. A great lie invented by the Jews to dominate the world. Cf. the great historian Ahmadinejad and the very great historian David Irving. See Sigmund Freud: "You never lent me this pot, and besides I returned it to you, and it had a hole in it."
Honor (see also dignity): An absolute value that determines behavior at the expense of everything else. "The honor of the Arabs", "the honor of Islam". Requires, in particular, the murder of girls, not to mention the murder of others. Behavior always to be respected because culturally "authentic."
Houri: 1/72th of the spiritual reward of combatants. Guaranteed virginity, thanks be to Allah!
Human Rights Watch: Lies in vain, he who comes from afar...
Imperialism: A magical action undertaken remotely and secretly, which allows us to explain the chaos and the backwardness reigning in the Middle-East, and all the iniquities committed by the leading classes. As in: "It is because of imperialism that..."
Innocent: A non-existent category outside the Moslem world.
International assistance: See in the Bible the manna sent from Heaven. Here, Heaven is replaced by NGOs and international organizations, and avoids having to worry about constraints imposed by reality (budgets, deficits, etc).
International Community: An amorphous entity whose principal function is to condemn Israel and incidentally the United States. A "molasses" word in which thinking gets mired down.
Irving (David): A great English historian persecuted by the Jews. Islam: A religion of Peace, except all the time and everywhere, for highly justified reasons.
Islamophobia: Not bowing before the slightest manifestation of Islam. To suggest, even in veiled words, the least relation between Islam and terror is "Islamophobic". To insinuate, even prudently, a link between suburban riots [November 2005, in France. Translator's note] and religion of the perpetrators is ultra-Islamophobic.
Israeli barrier: A supreme crime -- divides up orchards -- which in itself justifies the re-convocation of the Nuremberg Court.
Jeningrad: A frog that the objective media (BBC, AFP, Reuters, Le Monde) tried to turn into an ox [reference to the fable by La Fontaine. Translator's note]. The frog exploded, not before having first served the Cause faithfully for a few weeks. The bovines are still bewildered: the farce usually lasts longer.
Jerusalem: The third holy place of Islam, the first holy place of the journalistic Cliché. As the late Yasser Arafat and the late king Faisal of Arabia used to say, there never was a Jewish presence in the city. A curious Jewish mania to see it as their only holy place.
Jews: Infernally insolent dhimmis who, instead of humbly bowing, insist on resisting the Nation of Allah. Unheard of! The punishment should be exemplary.
Jihad: A spiritual and internal combat that consists mainly of massacring Jews, Christians, Hindus and Moslems whose mug the jihadi dislikes.
Left (the): It has finally managed, on the whole, to get rid of the temporary aberration that was its short-lived sympathy for Israel. We can breathe a sigh of relief.
Leftist: For about five minutes a long time ago, considered himself a German Jew [reference to a French slogan in May 1968: "We are all German Jews". Translator's note]. Luckily, that did not last. He has made amends since.
Lelong (Father): A priest of such angelic goodness and kindness that he smiles beatic under torture inflicted on others.
Le Monde: A practicing religious newspaper of secular-Islamic confession. A permanent collection of Islamophile genuflection platitudes.
Lebanon: A country that France likes so much that it left it to the tender care of Syria and Iran ("historical responsibilities... emotional ties... cultural community... Francophonie").
Love of life: A despicable weakness of Jews and Christians.
Massacre: If an attack has (temporarily, inexplicably) held the attention of the "international community" because of the excessive number of Israeli babies killed, explain that the massacre "does not serve the image [or: interests] of the Palestinian cause". Suggest, moreover, that the Mossad or Shabak [General Security Service. Editors' note] were involved.
Massignon (Louis): An Islamologist, intellectual inspirer of the "Arab policy of France". He launched it himself in the gay brothels of Cairo.
Mazen (Abu, a.k.a. Mahmud Abbas): Author of a remarkable doctoral thesis at the University Patrice Lumumba of Moscow; analyzed the document that proved the existence of a malevolent Jewish plot through the ages (cf. Protocols of the Elders of Zion). Has since morphed into a moderate.
Mein Kampf: Excellent pedagogy with respect to the noxiousness of the Jews. On sale in all good Arab bookstores. The new Middle-Eastern editions entitle the translation: Jihad.
Moslem brotherhood: A model for Hamas; the extermination of Jews is part of its program. Do not pay any attention to it: it is purely a rhetorical artifice to mobilize the masses.
Mossad: Engineered the destruction of the Twin Towers by manipulating Moslems -- who were not Moslem -- and besides were incapable of organizing such a machination, the Glory of Allah be upon them, since no true Moslem... Moreover, the CIA and Cheney were involved.
MRAP: A communist organization devoted to the delegitimation of Israel and to peace among other peoples.
Nasrallah (Sheik): Has urgently expressed the wish that a great number of Jews settle in Israel so that a greater number will be exterminated in one blow at the time of the great reckoning. This rhetorical detail should be omitted -- it is altogether quite understandable on the part of the Oppressed. Politician whom it is appropriate to integrate into parliamentary affairs and not to isolate (according to a former French Prime Minister with abundant hair).
Nazis: Friends of the Arabs, who have unfortunately become less effective after 1945.
NGO: An organization self-appointed to endorse the least fabrication emitted by Palestinian organizations. Never met an Arab dictator in whose good faith they did not believe, nor any killer who does not have extenuating circumstances.
Occupation: The reason for which this Palestinian has just had his finger jammed in the door. Anyone who does not see the causality is Islamophobic.
Orchard (see also olive grove): A sacred place for journalistic worship of the peasant innocence trampled under foot by army rabble, as in: "The Israeli troops cut down the trees in the orchards".
Pacifist: A lamb who adores dining with the wolf, provided that Israel is on the plate (see "Useful idiot").
Palestine: A small piece of paper stuck on Arab maps and atlases to hide Israel
Palestinian: (1) A baby seal of the European Left and the morally-correct Right. (2) A species of victim largely preferred to the Tibetan, Darfuri, Indio and others. Compared to the others, has the added advantage of being correlated with Jew hatred. (3) Of recent vintage, invented by Colonel Nasser and extremely prized by Arab and Moslems regimes during diplomatic summits. (4) Is never responsible for the consequences of his actions: it is always the others' fault.
Palestinian unity: (see: Arab unity). A slogan to be shouted, if you are a Hamas killer, while you push a Fatah killer off the top of the roof of a high building: that lends a very chic political dignity to your action.
Papon (Maurice): Expediter specialized in the future dead, and who has it in for them. A modern Jean Valjean figure. Did nothing that his hierarchical superior would be ashamed of.
Peace plan: A project of conflict "resolution" where the subtlety of the proposed details has no other purpose than to hide the realities. We must pretend to believe in it and do our utmost to make others believe in it. It is impossible to be an American Secretary of State without laying out such a Plan which will bear his/her name. Along the years the activity has become democratized: anyone can proceed with his/her own plan.
Persecutor: a hereditary feature, the congenital state of the Israeli; see the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and read Edgar Morin [Le Monde, June 3, 2002. See : Racism: the cancer. Translator's note].
Pierre (Abbot): If we can no longer seek historical truth among the revisionists, what future is there for charity?
Plot: A natural secretion of the non-Arabic and non-Moslem world, whose one passion is to destroy the latter by the most twisted of means.
Prisoner: (a) Palestinian: has a right to a lawyer; (b) Zionist: has a right to be tortured.
Peace process: Much process, no peace. Allows many diplomats to travel first class to take part in it, many journalists to wave their mikes and the experts to pontificate. Nothing ever happens there, but what sleight of hand!
Production (economic term): Seldom used, a practice harmful to the Palestinian cause, which, above all, needs weapons.
Proportionality: The absence of Israeli reaction to a bloody Arab attack.
Protocols of the Elders of Zion: A best-seller, a continually republished source of historical Truth. See Al-Ahram, and the near totality of the Arab and Iranian press. In any case, do not pay attention, it is just propaganda.
Quai d'Orsay: A building of beautiful appearance located on banks of the Seine. Populated by characters that see only what they want to believe. Full of horizontal experts of France's Arab policy.
Rage, see Frustration: A term supposed to explain everything: a natural result of the condition of being a victim. Accepted as sufficient reason for terrorist action: "Whoever feels rage has all the rights, in particular the right to assassinate."
Refugee: If he is Palestinian, a hereditary caste: one is a refugee from father to son and from mother to daughter, just as some are shoe-makers or serfs. A single geopolitical exception: no one speaks of German "refugees" (about 12 million expelled in 1945) nor of their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Maintained since 1948 by the Western taxpayer (UNWRA), which makes it possible to curse the latter from morning until evening.
Resistance: A term misused for a long time to enhance the value of assassinating civilians in Israel, by suggesting a relationship with the French movement of the same name which, from 1940 to 1944, never assassinated German civilians, and even less women and children. You can just see Jean Moulin torturing Klaus Barbie's children (if he did not succeed, Jacques VergÃ¨s would come to the rescue).
Reuters: An agency for fabricating and using photographic and other fakes. Its good faith has been caught out many a time over 30 years.
Rice (Condoleezza): Is still learning that wheels are round; she had no idea before. A great academic specialist of Russia, who has never published the least article on the subject.
Rushdie (Salman): A fatwa to be executed.
Saramago (José): A Nobel Prize for literature, but very weak in computation: indeed, he confuses the figure 52 with the figure 1,5 million (see Jenin-Auschwitz). Proves that reality surpasses fiction.
Security fence ("wall"): Good walls make good neighbors, except in the Middle-East. It regrettably blocks Palestinian free access the Jews they intend to exterminate ("Shocking!"- according to a BBC journalist).
Sermon (khutbah): A call to murder for reasons which Le Monde and AFP always find understandable (see: Occupation). Never quote it -- that could tarnish the "image" of the Palestinian people.
Sharon (Ariel, known as Arik): Personally, and sadistically, cut the throat of more than one thousand Palestinians in the "refugee camps" of Sabra and Shatila. Also personally tortured 879,321 Palestinians, gassed seven million of them, set up a wall to prevent the victims of his many crimes from legitimately coming to kill Israeli civilians. Has also crushed a good number of Arab armies in combat.
Six Day War: A great Syrian-Egyptian victory, during which the Israeli tanks were lamentably unable to travel the last 50 kilometers that separated them from Damascus and Cairo.
Soviet Union (also: Putin's Russia): A best friend of the Arabs (up to 1991). Its extermination of Moslems is seldom reproached.
Special correspondent: Always available at the bar of the big hotel, to share leads with his/her colleagues, who got them from same sources. Could have written his/her article before getting there, except for the first name (Ahmed) of the taxi driver, which allows him to lend a human face to Palestinian suffering.
Suez: A great pan-Arab victory (1956), under the leadership of the Arab big war lords Eisenhower and Bulganin.
Syria: A country whose leaders are paragons of honesty, integrity and good faith. Its prisons are empty, the torture rooms are clean, the factories brand new, the police officers without reproach, and the economic growth enormous. A favorite of the Quay of Orsay.
Terrorism: A weapon of the weak against the strong (300 million Arabs, 1,2 billion Moslems, 6,5 million Israelis).
Tolerance: Not a customary notion.
Torture: A continuation of Arab policy by other means.
Turk: An occupier, exploiter and tyrant for approximately nine centuries. Did not awaken resistance to imperialism, colonialism and exploitation.
UN: "Contraption" [Charles de Gaulle's description. Translator's note]. An embryo of international law that suffices to justify all abortion campaigns. Jack the Ripper carries out investigations there, Pierrot le fou [Pierre Loutrel (1916-1946), member of the French Gestapo. Translator's note] is in charge of justice, and the priest is a recidivist killer. Bribes of less than one hectoliter are not accepted.
United States (The): Imperialism incarnate; always ask them to give more financial support, and to treat their friends and their enemies with the same evenhandedness.
Uterus: A secret weapon of the "Palestinians" -- see the slogan "With our uteruses, we will liberate Palestine" which refers to the "demographic weapon". A holy concept of Arab-Moslem feminism. Curiously ignored by Western feminists, who want contraception only for themselves and at most for the Third World that does is not charged with the task of exterminating Israel.
Victim: A native, permanent and eternal state of the Palestinian.
Villepin: A toupee who once had the desire to become a wig. A famous author of science fiction; Bossuet devoted a sermon ex-ante to him: "Vanitas vanitatum et omnia vanitas."
Violence: "We have no other choice other than violence"; a glorious and sacred mode of operation forced by others on the radical Moslem in all circumstances; the poor guy, as if it were not the choice he made from the start.
Virginity: The preferred state of women; multiplied by 72. A reward offered in the hereafter. A permanent self-regeneration of certain parts of the body, whose absence here below inevitably leads to the killing of the one bearing this absence. A proof of the progressive character of the Arab revolutionaries.
Voltaire (Network): A group opposed to the principle of non-contradiction.
Wall: In Berlin, was used to prevent the East Germans from fleeing the German Democratic Republic; in Israel, is used to prevent assassins on the outside from killing those who are within. The complete resemblance is glaring.
War crime: A routine activity of the Israelis (see: Palestinian finger jammed in the door and subsequent vociferations).
War crime: A concept a priori completely and radically inapplicable to anyone who is Palestinian or even just Arab.
Washington: A city of unpredictable weather.
Zionist (entity): Physiologically, the Arab larynx is not capable of pronouncing the syllables, is-ra-el; it is an anatomical tragedy. This substitute invented by the Arab phonologists thus makes it possible to name the thing without emitting the appropriate sound. A beautiful example illustrating the cultural compensation of a physical defect. Who slanders Arab science?
Laurent Murawiec is a senior fellow with the Hudson Institute in Washington D.C. He taught philosophy in Paris and was a foreign correspondent in Germany and Central Europe for La Vie Francaise, a major French business weekly.
The original article was published by the Metula News Agency info # 012308/7 EV, 23 August 207, in two parts:
It was translated from the French by Sanda Kaufman and Llewellyn Brown.
Thanks are due Koira for sending in this article.